Bad POEtry

Well, I've done it again—attracted the attention of a literary agent with my bad writing. 

Recently, literary agent Chip MacGregor ran a bad poetry contest on his blog. The winners—including my poem that he described as "fabulously bad"—are posted on this link:

http://chipmacgregor.typepad.com/main/2010/05/and-the-.html

I won the "Worst Attempt at Poe" Award with "Hannibal Lee":

Twas many and many a year ago

In a kennel owned by me,
There lived a poodle whom you may know
By the name of Hannibal Lee.
And this poodle lived with no other thought
Than to breed for a hefty stud fee.

He wasn’t a child but he was half wild;
In back alleys breed did he!
He bred with a joy that was more than a joy
My poodle Hannibal Lee.
An action that caused the cops to chase
Hannibal Lee and me.

And this was the reason that late one night
Near our kennel owned by me,
A man jumped out of a car that night, grabbing
My poodle Hannibal Lee
And took him off to an unscrupulous vet’s
Where they neutered Hannibal Lee.
And hauled me into court and made me pay a hefty fee.

Rival breeders, not half so proud of their dogs
Had envied him and me!
Yes! That was the reason as all must know,
That they neutered Hannibal Lee.

But his lust is stronger by far than the lust
Of dogs more intact than he,
Of dogs with a good pedigree.
And neither dog-catchers nor unscrupulous vets
Can ever dissever my desire to acquire
A clone of Hannibal Lee.

For a dog never howls without elicting growls
From the wobegon Hannibal Lee.
From tearful eyes I see hackles rise
On the un-manned Hannibal Lee.

And so nowadays I cry and he bays
For his lost manhood ways.
My poodle, my doggie, my life and my pride
Who’ll know no more a doggie bride.
In that kennel owned by me;
In that empty kennel owned by me.

I'd previously used this poem in a collection I'd put together (allegedly written by my now-deceased dawg Jack) to see if an infamous author mill would accept the dreadful manuscript. They did.

However, my dawg never signed the contract for the poems I'd ghost-written for him, and they sat in my computer while they waited for another chance at—well, something.

Chip MacGregor gave me that chance.

This isn't the first time that my bad writing has attracted an agent's attention. Agent Janet Reid liked my 2008 "Vile Pun" winner in the Bulwer-Lytton Contest.

Now if agents only liked my good writing. . . .

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