Scummy Writing Services

This post has nothing to do with cute kitties washing each other, but I'll post a picture anyhow:

This post does have to do with some scummy "writing service" providers who have attempted to infiltrate this blog.  Recently I received this as a comment to a 2008 blog post (note that I have smudged the contact info a bit):

The blog post commented upon had nothing to do with essay writing, so I don't know why this disreputable company chose it for a spam attempt. As a former college English instructor, I despise companies that provide cheating services for students. Naturally, I didn't approve the comment for publication. But I have no qualms about holding it up to ridicule.

I do appreciated the irony of "100% Plagiarism Free Content." Aren't they providing an essay for a student to plagiarize? (Or, if the essay has been paid for, maybe it's not really plagiarism?) And do they mean free content that is 100% plagiarism? Or do they mean "100% Plagiarism-Free Content"?

They don't seem to know that the presentation PowerPoint is one word. Or perhaps their "Power Point" is something that's done with a strong index finger and not the Microsoft program at all. That "Help on AdmissioDissertationn Essays" is a puzzler, too. Perhaps they need some help with their "Proofreading and Editing."

This is a good place to take a time-out with a cute kitty picture:

Now back to scummy writing services: Two days after that comment appeared in my email, I received an email from someone who wanted to do a guest post on my blog (I've smudged the company name and removed the email addy):

I couldn't imagine why this person wanted to do a guest post. (And on which blog? I have a few others besides this one.) Naturally, I checked the website—it's a "Legit & Cheap Essay Writing Service." Wow! both legit AND cheap! They're only $12 a page unless you have a short deadline—then there's a "rush charge." But  they're offering a 20% discount! Right smack dab on their website, they say:

If you need a professional essay writer to help you 
out with an ultra urgent college paper, use our
 custom,
fast, completely legit, and cheap essay writing
 service NOW!

I wasn't impressed with the creative spacing for the above, nor was I impressed with the sentence structure of this claim:

Our essay writing service is equally popular with native USA students
as well as international students, another reason that proves our affordability and reliability

Like the other scammer, this one also offered papers that were "100% Plagiarism Free." But this one also claimed one of their "awesome features" was that their essays were "100% Turnitin Proof." If you're not familiar with Turnitin,  here's a link: http://turnitin.com. A lot of colleges use Turnitin to check student writing for plagiarism.

If you're a student, you'd be stupid to use one of these scummy "services." If you fall prey to these "services," you might be too stupid to even go to college.

If you represent one of these "services," you are indeed stupid if you think I will approve your comment on this blog or allow you to make a guest blog-post. But I will use your email or website to shine a bit of light on your dubious "services."

I've addressed similar scumbag services before. See the following
http://peevishpen.blogspot.com/2017/03/essay-inc-comment.html
http://peevishpen.blogspot.com/2016/01/sarah-hill-shill.html

And now for another cute kitty pic:

~

Offers I Can Refuse

The vanity publisher I used for four collections of my previously published stuff emailed me yesterday with this great limited time offer.

Here is what the package includes: We will create your Basic Book Trailer for you and we will also put it on Infinity Publishing's You Tube Channel with information of where the book can be purchased.  We will create 500 Facebook likes to your Facebook Fanpage.   If you do not have one we will create it for you.  Plus you will receive 10 Book Reviews on Amazon and Goodreads. Visit our website to purchase this NEW Marketing Package and take advantage of the Special Savings!!

Despite the publisher's attempt to take advantage of me, I'm so not taking advantage of this amazing offer. Why not? Because it's a waste of money and will have no real effect. Who, for instance, would buy 500 Facebook likes? And where are those 500 likes coming from? Are there folks out in FB-land who don't care what they like and sell their like-ness to the highest bidder? Or did the "publisher" create 500 fake FB users to use for liking pages. Either way, this has unethical written all over it.

As for the "basic" book trailer, how would a reader—who hasn't even heard of your book—find your book trailer on YouTube, which has gazillions of other book trailers. The "publisher's" list of YouTube videos are here. Of the 29 (that's how many were there when I checked), seven were promotions for the company. One of those (http://www.youtube.com/user/InfinityPublishing/videos) was kind of a 49-second Christmas card that had mini-second exposures of Christmas-related books. A whopping 77 people had viewed it since it was posted on Dec. 7, 2012. This one (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RwDJALkmFm8) was a minute and forty-two seconds of 2-second views of lots of book covers. I thought it was a hoot that a rival vanity press had an ad on it.

And what about those "reviews"?  Do I really think that 10 reviewers are actually going to read one of my vanity-pubbed books and post a review? What's that review going to include. A lot of folks are aware of fake reviews on Amazon: here and here and here. Or maybe the "publisher" will hire Harriet Klausner?

And $495 for this crap?! I hate to think that someone will actually pay this. But a lot of vanity publishers offer similar packages for even more $$$.

Others have also jumped on the author scam bandwagon. Last week, a friend who had self-published his own book, sent me a copy of this email:

Dear Publisher:

Join me for the Beijing Book Fair, New York Library Association, and the Frankfurt International Book Fair.

Display Your Book For:
* Bookstore Buyers * Agents * Publishers *Retail Buyers * Distributors *Public Librarians * School Librarians * Universities * Distributors * Wholesalers * Colleges * School Systems * Foreign Rights Agents * Multi-Level Marketing Agents * Shopping Network Buyers *

Book Shows Offer Fantastic Benefits Including:

* No Travel Stress & Expense * Cover Facing-Out Display *
* Catalog Listing & Distribution * Online Database Profile*
Upcoming Book Shows (click link to learn more & buy online)

Beijing Book Fair:Aug 28-Sept 2, Beijing, China
*purchase placement deadline August 5th  $190 New York Library Association: September 25-28, Niagra Falls NY
*purchase placement deadline September 8th $120

Frankfurt International Book Fair: Oct 9-13, Frankfurt, Germany
*purchase placement deadline August 12th $190
We display one copy of your item cover facing out!
Interested attendees contact you directly through our exhibit catalog!
Buyers are looking for new and exciting titles for sales, rights and exposure!
Save Time and Money by allowing us to display your book!

 Essentially this means that for a good chunk of change. this "company" would display one copy of your book—facing out, no less!—among gazillions of other books at the book fair. Just how many folks do you think will actually pick your book up? And if they do, who will talk to them about it? How will they know where it's available?

If you're self-published or vanity- published, your main way of selling your book is going to be out of the trunk of your car—or at least in face-to-face situations with potential buyers. Don't waste your money on promotional scams schemes that won't work.

But, if you want to throw away your money, pay me $50 and I'll drive around the county with a copy of your book on the dashboard of either my 94 Dodge truck or my PT Cruiser (you choose!) and I will park in the Kroger or Walmart parking lot for at least 15 minutes so passersby can see your book. Plus—for no extra charge—I will post on Facebook a picture of your book being looked at by a very cute kitty (again, you get a choice of which kitty). Finally, I'll comment on your FB page or your blog (again, you choose!) the following comment: "Hey! You wrote a book. Nice going!"

Is that an offer you can't refuse, or what?

~

Authors, Save Your Money

Warning: If you're not an author, today's post won't interest you. 

But there's a cute kitty picture at the end.

Monday's email brought this scam: "Sell More Books to Bookstores." Here's the header:

Why are they sending this to moi—a self-published/vanity-published/small press-published author? Since this info came to my inbox, I figured I'd share some screenshots of the email here:

Don't you love their graphic—gotta be a real bookstore because it says BOOKSTORE right on the third images as well as BOOK-something on the second image. And there are all those shelves full of books! Makes you kind of want to cough up from $150 to $350 right away so you can get in on the action, doesn't it?

Of course, even if this is a legit mailing, and even if all those bookstores want your book (highly unlikely—you'll have a better chance winning the lottery), how are you actually going to get to all those stores for signings? We're talking major book tour here—and gas prices are going up again. And will anyone even turn out if you're a self-published/vanity-published/small press-published author that no one has ever heard of outside your immediate neighborhood?

If you'd rather go the email route instead of paying $$$ for snail mail, for only $199, you can have this company spam bookstores. Or, if you'd rather contact the bookstores yourself, they'll sell you the bookstore list for only $99. Of course, this is info that you could look up online for free, but you're a busy author, right?

You'd think that a big PR company company would have a real person signing the email instead of "Staff." Isn't that a tip-off right there that the company might not be on the level? 

If your book is vanity-published or completely self-published, bookstores all over the country aren't interested in your book. Bookstores usually don't buy directly from authors. They deal with a distributor, and odds are good that you—if you're, ahem, underpublished—don't have one. Also, bookstores want the books they get from the distributor to be returnable. And they want a big discount on the book.

Some small presses have distributors, but if the small press used print-on-demand technology to print your books, the books are unlikely to be returnable. Hence, bookstores aren't interested.

Just for the heck of it, I poked around on the spammer's  company's website, where I found pdfs of the "print advertising" they sent to bookstores. On the Dec. 2011 release, the books listed were published by Lulu (a self-publisher), West Bow (the Thomas Nelson vanity press), Createspace (another self-publisher), Trafford (an expensive vanity press), and a small press that has no distributor. Two of the books have no retail price listed; a 66-page book is priced at $14.95. Even if bookstores were interested, they're unlikely to order these books. (Don't believe me? Go into your favorite bookstore. See if you can find any books by these publishers on the shelves.)

I'm not the only one who noticed this particular, um, service. Scambuster Victoria Strauss blogged about it last week on the Writer Beware blog: BookStoreMarketing.net: Beware Spam PR Services. 

The message is pretty clear: Authors, don't waste your money! You'd be better of plugging your books for free on your blog from time to time, just like I'm going to do right here:

Ferradiddledumday and Stuck are available from Cedar Creek Publishing. They're also available from Amazon.com, as are my four vanity published-books. My self-published book, Patches on the Same Quilt, is available from me as long as the supply in the boxes under my bed holds out. One of these days, I'll do a Kindle version of it.

The above promotional paragraph didn't cost me a cent. 

I was going to get my kitties to help advertise my books, but they were too embarrassed to be part of such a blatant promotion.

Unless I paid them $350.

~ ~ ~

Collage Girl Scam

Another day, another scam.

This obvious and poorly constructed scam popped into my In-Box yesterday. Why didn't my spam filter pick it up? I've obliterated parts of the e-mail addies, but the rest of the e-mail is as I received it:

Now, keep in mind that a collage—er, college—student is writing this. But is it Rachelle or Christelle? Odd how the two names have such similar endings. . . . .

Her message begins:

Paragraph 1: No, it isn't surprising. I get a couple of these scam e-mails every week. So, you landed my attention from doing an Interent search for my e-mail address? How interesting. . . . 

Paragraph 2: So you were thrown on the street for reasons of an inheritance, but you still have internet access? How interesting. . . . 

Paragraph 3: So your dream is either to open a store that sells ready made garments, or maybe you want to store ready made garments? And your biggest dream is also to repeat your studies?  I don't know what collage—er, college—you attended, but you didn't do well in English language lessons, did you? Perhaps study of the English language is what you want to repeat?

I am aware—from info at the top of your e-mail—that you are a girl, so you don't need to tell me again. Unless maybe you aren't, but want me to believe you are.

Why would you ask my help without knowing who I am? Why is the "To" in your email the same Rachelle who sent it? Shouldn't it be to my e-mail addy? Unless, of course, you were sending it to a gazillion undisclosed recipients—that's what you did, didn't you? I'll bet you never even went through my profile.

The message continues:

 I'm still pondering the meaning of "it makes life of innocent once very difficult every moment by day" and "do you imagine can come from where my hope except in you." You really do need remediation in English.

Christelle (or whoever), do you have a last name?  There seem to be a lot of young women in your country who have financial problems. There's this one, who sent an e-mail to another blogger in 2007. Her e-mail is better constructed than yours and has pictures. Perhaps you two know each other? Or are each other.

No way am I clicking on that site!

~

Scam Redux

Last April, I received an offer via e-mail that I could refuse: for only $159, I could have a genuine plaque of a newspaper article about me.  I didn't reply to the offer.

A few days after the e-mail, I received a phone call from one of the company reps who wanted to know if I'd like to "commemorate the article" with a plaque. I thought I made it pretty clear to the scammer  company rep that I had no interest whatsoever in "commemorating an article."

That's why I blogged about it.

Today, guess what I received in my e-mail in-box! This:

Note: I removed certain identifying info.

See what a great deal they're going to give me? They're going to let me "recieve" a whopping $30 off! I'm still not interested in the crap they want me to buy, though. I didn't reply. 

As scams go, I've received better ones lately, namely this:

 

The above e-mail might have touched my heart—or possibly another internal organ. After all, at the age of 56, the widow Carine has decided not to "get a child outside my matrimonial home," whatever the heck that means. Plus she has cancer and a "partial stroke." Though it's commendable she wants me to use 60% of the money—How much money? A dollar? Ten million dollars? She doesn't specify how much her husband deposited "with the FINANCE COMPANY"—"to the less priviledges, motherless babies homes." I do not "reply me" to her e-mail.

However, soon I receive another e-mail from Carine—this time with three exclamation points after the subject, so I know it must be important. In only two days since her first e-mail, she has aged from 56 to 61, a feat I believe—but cannot prove—might have been caused by her "long time illness."

This time she isn't so picky about how I spend the money, but I'll have to "kindly reply for further details."

I didn't reply. And if I did reply, it wouldn't be kindly.

~

Bood Sweet Spam

And Plain Old Scam

Besides getting the e-mails and phone calls about the commemorative plaque, I've also gotten a few other dubious calls and e-mails within the last few days.

Yesterday, a woman caller asked to speak to me by name and asked if anyone in the household had diabetes. I shouldn't have said I did. Anyhow, she then wanted to give me a free meter, send me diabetic supplies absolutely free, and charge it all to Medicare. I told her I would check the website; I did and wasn't impressed. A bit of Googling told me a lot of others weren't impressed either. Plus the meter they'd send wasn't one I could look at in local pharmacies.

The caller didn't use good grammar either. If a company can't hire someone literate to represent them, I'm suspicious.

The e-mail spam below was sent to the forty-some subscribers to an email list that notifies the listees whenever the sender up-dates her blog. If the sender hadn't put everyone's e-mail address on her notification, it wouldn't have been so easy for this guy to send this announcement. (Note: I've removed the particulars to avoid embarrassing his wife.)

Since I don't know the above sender, I have no idea if I'm close enough to make it or not. (Not that I would make it.) I'm curious about the "bood sweet and tears," though. And if the dream is "never ending," how did the woman realize it?

If you're gonna send e-mail spam, at least spell and punctuate correctly. And tell where the event is.

Anytime someone doesn't know if I'm a sir or a madame, I'm suspicious—especially of a "profession printing manufacturer" in China with a project manager who "can speak very good English." 

What does "We stay on our promises every moment" mean exactly? And why did I get this e-mail anyhow?

Apparently I've won a lot of lotteries lately. But I don't intend to send my "informations" to any of them. I'm still trying to figure out how this one—that has scam written all over it—did a "random selection exercise of internet website and millions of supermarket cash invoices worldwide."

How many "full names" do they want me to provide? 

I received this same e-mail in January, from KMG & Associates, not from Spies & May. It was sent to "undisclosed recipients," so a lot of other folks also got it. Probably more than once.

RIP Mendel, who "loved to give out."

Notice that the one below isn't even sent to me directly. Why would "Kenneth Dodo" (Love the name!) think I want a Visa card from a bank in Ghana? And why would he think I'm a "sir"? And again, this scam asks for my "names in full." 

I'm so NOT going to "reply this mail with all urgency."

The one below was sent to several members of the Virginia Writers Club, whose e-mail addresses are on the VWC website. I can't figure why the sender, who seems fond of run-on sentences, wanted to target writers:

If you're going to spam/scam me, please use correct grammar, punctuation, capitalization, and sentence structure. It's the least you can do.

~

Phoney E-mails and Phishing

Anybody see anything suspicious about the e-mail I received yesterday, other than I replaced the @ with (at)?

From: virgtek(at)cox.net
Subject: MyEMBARQ Account Alert
Date: August 26, 2009 7:24:39 PM EDT
Reply-To: upgraderesponses(at)gala.net

MyEMBARQ Subscriber,

We are currently upgrading MyEMBARQ with a hard spam protector due to the incessant rate of Sca, as such all MyEMBARQ Account users must respond to this e-Mail immediately.

Failure to comply with the above instruction will immediately render your e-Mail ACCOUNT deactivated from our database.

Enter your email here:
MyEMBARQ e-Mail Address:
MyEMBARQ Password:

THE SUPPORT TEAM
MyEMBARQ SUPPORT
upgraderesponses(at)gala.net

Sincerely,
EMBARQ

Why would Embarq send from a cox.net addy instead of an Embarq one? And why would they have me respond to top a gala.net addy? Gala.net is a European e-mail forwarder used by a lot of scammers. And if they could send me an e-mail, why would they need me to put my e-mail in the reply? Except they didn't send it to me personally. Notice there's no "To" in the header?

Naturally, I checked this scam out at http://www.snopes.com. Here's their reply:

It looks like you have been targeted to be robbed. What you received was likely an attempt on the part of thieves to get you to hand your personal information to them so they could run up your credit cards, take out loans in your name, or steal your online identity. This form of fraud is called "phishing."

Do not provide any of your personal data to these people. Do not fill out any of the fields on the web page you were directed to by the email. If you are a customer of the particular business entity that supposedly sent the request, call that institution and tell them about the email you received -- they will confirm that they had nothing to do with sending it to you and that it is an attempt to steal your financial information. Or visit the business's web site to look for something posted there about this attempt to defraud that institution's customers. (If you choose this latter course of action, do not attempt to get to the real site by clicking the link you were mailed or by using any part of it -- use your already-established bookmarks or type the address in by hand or use a search engine to find the site's URL for you.)

We have a page on our site about phishing scams. Though it may not contain information about the particular come-on you received, it will help better explain how this form of theft works. The page also contains links to various phishing attempts we have debunked, which you could also look at to gain a better understanding of how this form of theft is carried out.

http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/scams/phishing/phishing.asp

Urban Legends Reference Pages
http://www.snopes.com

If you get this, uh, "Embarq" e-mail, don't fall for it.

And if you get any suspicious e-mails, always check them on Snopes—like a writer buddy of mine did with this phony e-mail virus warning he and a whole bunch of other people (including me) were forwarded (the original e-mail text is red; his comments are blue):

I got this from someone whom I trust but it had been forwarded to him. I did not personally check it out with Snopes but it seems to be worth forwarding.
Tann

Tann, whoever you are, you are an idiot. Maybe you SHOULD start checking out such mindless b*llsh*t like this before you deem it to "be worth forwarding."

Then immediately run to your bedroom and hide under the bed. Better yet, pack only what you can carry and leave the country. Your money won't be any good where you're going, so just leave it in your closet, I'll find it.

This virus was discovered by McAfee yesterday,

NO, it was discovered 3 and 4 years ago. It is no longer a threat to anybody who runs any of the leading antivirus programs...or anybody with enough brains to have the URL http://www.snopes.com/ bookmarked on his computer.

SEND THIS E-MAIL TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!!!!!!

I don't think so. That won't do any good at all. What you must do instead is to IMMEDIATELY send $100 to [me] for [my] invaluable services in debunking these fake out-of-date virus warnings and thereby relieving enormous stress and potential heart attacks and strokes for thousands of computer owners. Maybe you should send $200.

Just verified this with Snopes and it is REAL.

You DID? And exactly what kind of recreational drugs were you using at the time?

Read the actual Urban Legend page at:
http://www.snopes.com/computer/virus/osama.asp

And then, pass this message to all those unfortunate people to whom you sent the original b*llsh*t message, who are now cowering in their basements, waiting in the dark for civilization as we know it to end.

~

Sunny Day, Scam, and Irony

Day before yesterday, I received this email, allegedly from the IRS—who wanted to offer me a refund, no less. I could tell right away it was a scam:

From: message42624@legalrefund.com
Subject: Notice from IRS
Date: June 4, 2009 7:46:28 AM EDT
Reply-To: donoreply@donoreplyplease.org

After the last annual calculations of your fiscal activity we have determined that you are eligible to receive a tax refund under section 501(c) (3) of the Internal Revenue Code. Tax refund value is $189.60. Please submit the tax refund request and allow us 6-9 days in order to IWP the data received. If u don't receive your refund within 9 business days from the original IRS mailing date shown, you can start a refund trace online.
If you distribute funds to other organization, your records must show wether they are exempt under section 497 (c) (15). In cases where the recipient org. is not exempt under section 497 (c) (15), you must have evidence the funds will be used for section 497 (c) (15) purposes. If you distribute fund to individuals, you should keep case histories showing the recipient's name and address; the purpose of the award; the maner of section; and the realtionship of the recipient to any of your officers, directors, rustees, members, or major contributors.
To access the form for your tax refund, please click here
This notification has been sent by the Internal Revenue Service,
a bureau of the Department of the Treasury.

Sincerely Yours,
John Stewart
Director, Exempt. Organization Rulings and Agreements Letter
Internal Revenue Service

Checking the raw source code, I find that this message originated in the UK: Received: from User ([84.45.229.37]) by villagelighting.co.uk with Microsoft SMTPSVC(6.0.3790.3959); Thu, 4 Jun 2009 12:46:39 +0100

What made this scam ironic is that the next day we received a snail mail notice from the IRS (the one in Washington DC, not the one in the UK) telling us that we owed them money—despite having paid our taxes in full and on time—because we didn't file a quarterly report of our estimated income. Fortunately the "stimulus check" more than covers what we owe, but still. . . .

Now if I can just figure out the maner of the realtionship to my rustees.

But today the sun shone. All day.

~

Writing Advice: Vanity Publishing

Many of you faithful readers of this blog know I’m both self-published and vanity-published. Fortunately, these venues worked for me—mainly because they were for very small niche markets and for primarily local readers. Now, however, I’m thinking bigger and pursuing commercial publication for my two latest works (a retold folktale and a middle-grade novel) and my current work-in-progress (a YA novel).

For my recently completed middle-grade novel, I know that an agent is the way to go if I want to see my work well-published. Recently, a top-notch agent, who’s made some good deals this year and who represents some talented clients, requested a full—based on my query and first two chapters. (She also requested an exclusive for a few weeks, so y’all keep your fingers crossed for me!)

How did I learn to write a good query? From attending writing conferences and workshops and from listening to experts. Chuck Sambuchino, who spoke to my writers group last July, recently posted his query-letter information on his “Breaking Down the Query Letter” on his Guide to Literary Agents blog. Agent Nathan Bransford also has some good query how-to information in his “Query Letter Mad Lib” entry on his blog.

But for those who aren’t willing to query an agent, who don’t do much research other than the ads in the back of writers’ magazines (Aarrggh!), or who think a publisher will snap up their book right away because it’s so wonderful—you need to be really, really careful. Too many scammers are out there. Remember how easily my (now-deceased) elderly mixed retriever was offered a contract from one of the biggest scam vanity publishers/author mills for his nonsensical pseudo-poetry?

If you’re considering an independent publisher or a small publishing house whose editor thinks your work is absolutely wonderful, do a bit of checking to make sure that the publisher is legit and not a vanity publisher in disguise. Here’s a checklist to help you.
This checklist recently appeared on the Flights of Fantasy blog. Thanks to the blogger, Marian Perera for giving other bloggers permission to re-post.

~~~~~~~
Ways to recognize a vanity press

Most authors these days know that paying to be published is a sure sign of vanity publication, where the only book that matters is the author's checkbook. So some vanity presses disguise what they are (e.g. by shifting fees to the back end) or come up with an array of reasons as to why it's necessary for an author to pay.

No matter how much smoke and mirrors are produced, though, there are several sure signs of a vanity press. If anything in the checklist applies, investigate further. Some of these are signs of amateur presses or inexperienced micro-publishers as well.

1. Fees

___ The publisher charges an upfront fee before the manuscript will be accepted
___ When questioned about this fee, the publisher responds that it is an investment or necessary contribution on the part of the author
___ The publisher charges for any other aspect of book production and marketing

2. Responsiveness

___ The publisher responds very quickly to manuscript submission, sometimes accepting the manuscript in under a week.

3. Types of manuscripts accepted from unpublished writers

___ Collections of poetry
___ Collections of short stories
___ Non-fiction from writers without a platform
___ Fiction of almost any length and all genres

4. Editing

___ Editing is minimal, often limited to a spellcheck
___ The author is given the option to have the book printed without editing
___ This is couched in positive terms such as the author having complete control over the process or the publisher not altering the author’s unique voice

5. Book covers

___ Authors are asked to write their own blurbs for the back covers. These do not receive editorial input

6. Reviews

___ The publisher does not send review copies out in advance of the book’s release
___ The publisher says it may send review copies out, provided reviewers request such copies
___ Authors routinely provide each other with positive feedback, which is accepted as a substitute for professional reviews

7. Sales of books

___ The publisher relies mostly or exclusively on POD
___ The publisher says that its distributors are Ingram and Baker & Taylor
___ The publisher assures authors that their books will be available on Amazon.com, Barnes and Noble.com and the publisher’s own online store, and this is presented as an adequate substitute for bookstores
___ The publisher offers discounts to authors if they buy their own books, but does not offer the same or better discounts to bookstores.
___ The publisher encourages authors to buy their own books, especially in bulk

8. Staff

___ The publisher does not make the previous relevant experience of its staff available
___ The publisher provides full names and bios of the staff, but they have no industry experience listed
___ Authors work for the publisher, e.g. reading slush

9. Publisher claims and achievements

___ The publisher claims membership in organizations whose requirements have nothing to do with the way authors are treated, e.g. the BBB, Mensa, etc.
___ The publisher claims to have signed up the largest number of previously unpublished authors, but says little or nothing about the number of books sold
___ The publisher’s advertising is geared to authors, e.g. making their dreams come true
___ The publisher refers to itself and its authors as a family
___ When asked whether it is a vanity press, the publisher responds that it is a traditional publisher, self-publisher, subsidy publisher or co-investment publisher

~~~~~~~

Thanks again, Marian, for giving me permission to re-post this.

Scamertainment

Last week's scam phone call started me thinking about some scams I recently received via e-mail. I now present the best (worst?) of them with my annotations:

I received this obviously scammy e-mail in mid-May and again a week ago. It raises some questions: Why can’t scammers punctuate properly? Or spell correctly?

From: pastormikejohn@SOMEFAKEYAHOOEMAILADDY
Subject: Contact Fedex Express Courier Company Immediately
Date: May 14, 2008 6:53:01 AM EDT

Dear friend,

We’re not friends. I don’t know you.

How are you today ?.

You don’t really care how I am, do you? You only care if I’m stupid and/or gullible enough to fall for this obvious scam.

I'm writing to inform you that I have Paid the fee for your Draft Cheque.

What “Draft Cheque”?

Yesterday, I went to the bank to confirm if the Cheque has expired or getting near to expire and Mr.Anthony zuma the Director of B.O.A Bank Of Africa told me that before the cheque will get to your hand that it will expire.

Wow! They must be clairvoyant or something? But—if they know it’s going to expire, why send it to me? That’s a waste of postage.

So I told him to cash the $1.5m, to avoid losing this funds under expiration as I will be out out of the country for a 3 Months Course and I will not come back till end of June 2008.

Hmmm. I wonder what “3 Months Course” could take a person “out out” of the country. It must be an abridged course because it only lasts one month.

What you have to do now is to contact the FEDEX EXPRESS COURIER DELIVERY COMPANY as soon as possible to know when they will deliver your package to you because of the expiring date.

Wouldn’t they start delivery as soon as the get it? It’s a check, er, cheque. It’s not like it’s a stuffed elephant or something equally heavy and bulky. Uh, oh! I see a problem. Your Fed-Ex uses a Yahoo e-mail address? And you didn’t give me the tracking number for my Fed-Ex delivery so I can tell where it is?

For your information, I have paid for the delivering Charge.

Well, of course. I never accept COD packages.

The only money you will send to the FEDEX EXPRESS to deliver your Consignment direct to your postal Address in your country is US$106 One Hundred & Six United States Dollars only being Security Keeping Fee for the Fede x Service so far.

Somehow, I knew I’d be expected to cough up some money.

Again, don't be deceived by anybody to pay any other money except US$106.00.

Hey, I’m not even being deceived by you!

I would have paid that but they said no because they don't know when you will contact them and in case of dumourrage on your Package with them.

Yeah, sure, you would have paid that. “Dumourrage”!? ROTFL!

Please write a letter of application to the given address below:
Company Name : FedEx Express
Director : Dr.Obi Morgan
Contact Email:fedexexpresscompany94@SOMEFAKEYAHOOEMAILADDY
Contact Tel : 229-xxxx-xxx

Finally, make sure that you reconfirm your Postal address, nearest local and international airport, Direct telephone number to them again to avoid any mistake on the Delivery.

Like there’s really going to be any delivery.

Let me repeat again, try to contact them as soon as you receive this mail to avoid any further delay and remember to pay them their Secur ity Keeping fee of $106.00 for their immediate action to deliver urgently.

You don’t have to “repeat again.” You don’t even have to repeat the first time.

Note that: The FEDEX EXPRESS don't know the contents of the Box. I registered it as a BOX of African cloths. They did not know that the contents was money, this is to avoid them delaying or termpering with the BOX.

Well, you certainly wouldn’t want anyone to termper with a box of money. I wonder why they wouldn’t termper with a BOX of African cloths?

Don't let them know that the box contains money ok. Thanks and More Blesssing.

Regards,
Pastor Mike johnson

And then there’s this job offer that I couldn’t refuse—NOT!

From: vbetker@SOMEFAKEYAHOOEMAILADDY
Subject: JOB OFFER(REPRESENTATIVE)
Date: May 15, 2008 7:51:01 PM EDT
Reply-To: SOMEFAKEYAHOOEMAILADDY

Cheapfabrics of Windsor UK
Thames Court,1 Victoria Street
Windsor,Berkshire SL4 1Yb London U.K
www.cheapfabrics.co.uk

Tel:+44 (0) xxxxxxxxx
Contact E-mail: SOMEFAKEYAHOOEMAILADDY

Good Day Sir/Ma,

I’m neither a sir or a ma.

Would you like to work from home and get paid weekly ,without affecting your present job?

What present job? I’m retired, though I do some freelance writing—and I write a humor column.

cheapfabrics.co.uk needs a book-keeper in the States to be part of its financial team.

Bwahahahahahahahaha! My math skills are laughable! And I’m not a team player.

For more Enquiries Call or E-mail Me on the above Email address and phone number.
Thank you in anticipation.

Best Regards,
Mr Brown Chi
C.E.O

I followed the URL to a classy website, but none of the links work. Could this be a scam, ya think? And then there’s this one:

From: highcommssion@ SOMEFAKEYAHOOEMAILADDY
Subject: RE-SEND URGENT MESSAGE
Date: May 19, 2008 8:05:32 AM EDT
To: immixeurope2001@ SOMEFAKEYAHOOEMAILADDY
Reply-To: suporthighcommission@yahoo.co.uk

ATTENT:
DEAR,SIR

Not again! And with lousy punctuation yet!

I Am MRS. Linda ,a personal assistant to the president British Support High Commission for foreign affairs.

A personal assistant should know how to capitalize and punctuate properly. Also, does the BSHC prez have a name? And here's the best (worst?) part:

A top Government official in your country has recommend you to us as a Good and nice person whom we can in trust the sum of (sixty five million pounds) for our support to your country to reduce the numbers of unemployment and to support the motherless this year.

What "top Government official" has recommend me as a “Good and nice person”? Do they ever recommend Bad and mean persons? If so, to whom?

As you are to put up an industry with this Little funds that my Government can afford.we are here by request for all your in formations and your position in your country as at now.
pls reply this message as soon as possible.

My current position is slouched at my desk, trying to keep the desktop cat off the keyboard. I am not, nor do I intend to be “in formations.” What kind of an industry am I going to “put up”? Could I put it down?

Thank,s
yours faithfully
Mr, Henry J.Katalnga
+44-xx-xxxxxxxx
ngupol2003@yahoo.co.uk

How did MRS. Linda become Mr. Henry. Do those overseas Yahoo adddresses change gender when they cross the pond? Sheesh! If you're gonna scam somebody, at least keep your name consistent. Is there no honor among scammers? And then, there’s this one:

Dear Sir,

Here we go again.

I got your contact through the internet search.

OK, at least this one is more honest than the others. . . .

Sir, I am Lt.Col. David Hook of Second Infantry Div. Unit (S.I.D.U.) Abul Uruj Baghdad, Iraq.

Uh, aren’t you busy fighting a war? How do you have time to email strangers?

This mail will definitely come to you as a surprise,

Not so much. I expect a scam email or two a day. But you’re my first from Iraq. If that is indeed where you are.

I have in my position a huge amount of US dollars in cash which was Recovered in one of our operations we did here in Iraq, As I am the officer in charge, I wish to solicit your assistance and confidential..

You command soldiers, yet you have such a limited command of the English language? And you’re confessing that Americans are stealing from Iraq? Hmmm.

This fund has just Been lodged in a security vault in England were I am now, Which will be disclose to you letter, if you accepted or have interest, With my position I assure you free and fare transaction with good arrangement between I and you, we can do it..

Arrrggghh! You’re plucking every grammar and punctuation and capitalization nerve I have! (As well as forcing me to use exclamation points!) And you admit you’re not in Iraq after all!

I can't make mention of the amount involved now and were this fund is been kept until I receive your reply then arrangement will take off.

Well, I don't deal with scammers who offer me less than ten gazillion dollars. I have standards! (Does the US government know you’re doing this? Did George Bush tell you to do this?) I'll bet the arrangement won't be the only thing taking off.

Thanks and Regards
Lt.Col. David Hook
My mobile number here is xxxx

So I can call a soldier on his mobile phone. Doesn’t this sort of interfere with the war effort. Oh, wait! He’s not actually in Iraq. I’m also guessing that a real Lt. Col. would be a bit more literate. At least, I hope so.

Some of us make fun of scammers; others enjoy scamming scammers. These three sites (featuring scammers that are scammed) are worth a look:

• The Adventures of Wendy Willcox and her Dog Willis has been featured in a couple of magazines and was even on Dateline NBC in 2005.
• The Brad Christensen Exhibit is extensive. This guy must live to scam scammers. The Murphey Motumbu one is hilarious:
• Two scammers are played against each other in A Tale of Two Baits.

OK, so much for my time-wasting when I really should be working on my novel. But y'all click on those above links. They're a hoot!

(Note to my crit group and other interested readers: My work-in-progress is now 25,410 words.)

~

Scam o' the Day

When I answered the phone and heard a perky prerecorded female voice tell me how I could get my interest rates lowered with Credit Services, I knew it was a scam.* The canned voice even assured me that, while I wasn't having credit problems, they could get me better rates.

I let the canned message run until the end, when I had two options: press 1 to talk to a representative, or press 2 to have my number removed.

What the heck, I figured, I'll press 1. As a humor writer, I'm always on the look-out for more material. I've been known to keep phone scammers on the line for 10 minutes or more until they get disgusted with me and hang up. ("Let's see if I have this correct—you want me to rip out my perfectly good windows and you'll replace them with your replacement windows even though my windows don't need replacing? How will I keep my cats from escaping while you have the windows out? Won't insects fly in?" is one I've used in the past.)

I pressed 1. It took a while for a guy to answer, "How can we help you?" In fact, it took so long, I was getting bored.

I plunged in. "You can tell me what kind of scam you're running," I said.

Then he told me to do something unspeakable with my phone. I hung up.

Yep, a scammer through and through. Wonder how many people gave their credit card information in hopes of getting lower rates?

*How did I know Credit Services was a scam? 1. I don't have any credit cards. 2. I don't have any debts of any kind—and haven't for decades. 3. I'm on the National Do Not Call Registry.

Poetry Popularity Contest

My elderly mixed retriever Jack just received another in a multitude of emails from Poetry.com. Apparently, they’ve moved from the ranks of scamming into spamming. What they want you to do is forward your poem’s link to as many people as you know (and have them forward, etc.) inviting them to visit poetry.com and vote on your poem, no matter how lacking in literary quality it might be.

To the clueless, voting for a friend’s poem might seem like a lovely thing to do in the name of friendship, even if the poem is dreadful. Poetry.com is betting that those clueless will be so impressed with the International Library of Poetry website when they visit to cast their votes that they’ll start posting their own poems, being declared semi-finalists, being offered over-priced merchandise, dubious awards, etc. In short, they’ll be hooked.

In the past, I have received emails from poets and self-pubbed novelists who had never met me but who harvested my email addy from the Virginia Writers Club website and figured (wrongly) that I’d help out an unknown writer of dubious talent. A quick look at whatever I was supposed to vote for told me it wasn’t deserving of recognition. While I was tempted to write an in depth critique for a few of them, I decided not to waste my time for something I wasn’t getting paid for.

The clueless don’t get that the determination of a work’s literary value isn’t by majority rule. Yeah, some books are popular because they’re good, and word spreads. But you can’t have declare an otherwise dreadful book—or poem—worthy of literary merit by having a lot of folks vote for it.

OK. Rant over. Here’s the email Jack received:


Jack, have your favorite poem rated by friends and family, and take advantage of this unique contest brought to you by Poetry.com. We have given away over 80 iPod Shuffles and $6,000.00 in cash. We are committed to continuing this fun and exciting contest, and we need your help! All you have to do is send your poem to everyone you know, requesting that they rate your poem and send it to their friends. Before you know it, your poetry will circle the globe in the blink of an eye. Who knows? . . . you may even join our long list of winners in this extraordinary competition.

We award an Apple iPod Shuffle to poets every day, seven days a week, and we award $1,000.00 to two lucky poets every month.

Remember this contest is free and our gift to you for helping to spread the art and love of poetry. We have been amazed at how creative some of our poets have been. Some have posted the link to their poem on their personal web page or on their myspace.com page, while others have used blogs, chat rooms, and other imaginative techniques to get the word out about their poetry.

Put Your Poetry.com Poem Link On Myspace! Copy and Paste the below HTML onto your myspace page:

Rate my poem, Click here

You can also use the above HTML on Facebook.com, blogs, chat rooms, and any other network to get the word out about your poetry.

Here is your link: http://www.poetry.com/voteforme/poemvote1.asp?PID=10782770

Good Luck, Get Creative, And Keep Poetry Alive!

~~~~~~~~

News Flash: Poetry is alive and is likely to remain so, despite the efforts of poetry.com to kill it off by flooding the market with mediocre (and worse!) poems.

If you think scamming a scammer is pretty creative, then go ahead and vote for Jack's poem. Just don't look around too much while you're visiting poetry.com.

Good luck, and don't forward this to anybody you know. Jack doesn't want an iPod Shuffle; what he really wants is a video iPod. And maybe a MySpace page.

IgNoble Scam

Once again, my elderly mixed retriever Jack received another scam email. This time it’s from across the pond:

Office of the Publisher
Poetry Division
London, U.K.
12 April, 2007

Dear Jack,

As you may know, Noble House is one of the foremost publishers of fiction and nonfiction works by new and established authors today. Our international poetry division has had the honour of publishing thousands of poems over the past twelve years.

Doncha love that classy Brit spelling?

Recently, I had the pleasure of reading the poetry that you have had published in the United States. I congratulate you on this grand endeavour, and propose to you that your singular talent and vision deserves appropriate international recognition as well.

Hoo-hah! This is too much! “Singular talent and vision”!

For this reason, I have posted this letter to request your permission to include one of your favourite poems in Centres of Expression - a new poetry edition that is being distributed worldwide by Noble House . . . a collection of poetry that is perhaps unlike any you have ever seen . . . one where each poem is featured on its own page, and one whose quality is reminiscent of the finest 19th century antique poetry books.

There’s the classy spelling with the extra u again. Somehow, the book doesn't look so classy:



Hearken back, if you will, to the days of Emily Dickinson, Alfred Lord Tennyson, Elizabeth Barrett Browning, and William Wordsworth . . . the age of grand bookmaking. Poetry editions were some of the most highly prized volumes because of their intimate attention to detail - quality typography, fine ivory laid paper, and colourful ornate covers. Jack, for this edition, we've returned to the traditional size, style, and quality of these classic 19th century antique poetry books.

“Harken”? Nobody says “harken” anymore. Try working it into your next conversation and see if anyone is impressed.

Scheduled for release in Winter 2008, Centres of Expression will surely become one of your most treasured keepsakes. Your publication in this edition will establish you as an international author and afford you the respect and admiration attendant to such an honour. International Copyright notice for your poetic artistry will, of course, be in your name, assuring that you will retain worldwide rights to your work of art.

Jack should be honoured, of course. He doesn’t give a rat’s patootie (patoutie?) about worldwide (wourldwide?) rights.

Best of all, should you decide to obtain a copy of the edition for your personal library, or as a wonderful personalised gift (you are, naturally, under no obligation to purchase a copy - notwithstanding the publication of your work in this edition), as you proudly turn its pages you'll find it one of the best values on the book market today. At only £23.14 (U.S. $45.55) for a hardbound, 225-page edition printed in two colours on ivory laid vellum, with a finely crafted and highly detailed laminate cover and a single poem to a page, this edition promises to exceed your expectations, and it will enjoy pride of place in your home. In fact, its quality is guaranteed. If for any reason you are dissatisfied, your money will be completely refunded in U.S. dollars with proper dispatch.

Oh, yeah, Jack is gonna rush to the bank and get a cheque—oh, wait! He doesn’t have a bank account. He’s a dogue, dog, dawg, whatever. If he has no expectations, how can they be exceeded? And how “highly detailed” can laminate be?

Jack, you may also wish to consider giving the public some insight about you and your artistry for this poetic showcase . . . perhaps the meaning behind your poem, or your own philosophical perspective. Because an entire page in the book is devoted to honouring your poetry, we can feature this additional material about you and your poetry (up to 100 words) on the verso leaf opposite your poem . . . you will thus have two full pages devoted to you and your artistry.

Here’s the insight: Jack is scamming the scammers. He’s an elderly mixed retriever. His poem is garbage. It means nothing. It means that this whole Noble House letter is a scam.

Jack, may we have permission to publish your work? Regardless of whether you purchase a copy or not, the international public deserves to see more of your artistic talent. You may Submit Your Poem and biographical information, and give us permission, all within the confines of the next page. And if you are inclined to order a copy of Centres of Expression, you may also do so at the same time.

Sincerely,

Nigel Hillary
Publisher, Poetry Division - Noble House U.K.

P.S. For poets who may wish to obtain supplementary copies for gift-giving, to display, or for merchandising, special case pack discounts are available. Please consult the submission and order form for further details.

. . . and that’s not all, Jack’s membership is desired in yet another scam outfit:

What the heck is an "everyday poet"? Is that better than an "every month poet"?

Dear Jack,

In celebration of National Poetry Month, we would like to invite you to join Poets.com, the premiere online community of poets and writers. Poets.com offers its members the ability to post their poems online where fellow poets can review and critique them, all in an effort to help improve their craft. This April, in recognition of National Poetry Month, we are awarding Special Prize Packages to the top five reviewers of the month. These prizes include signed copies of books by both professional and amateur poets, including Robert Pinsky, W.D. Snodgrass, and David Wagoner, along with a gift card to Barnes & Noble. Official prizes and rules are posted on the site.

Yeah, like Jack can use that!

In addition to all this, Poets.com features informative articles, a message system, a chat room, a comprehensive glossary, poetry challenges, and a place where you can store and display all your poetry... all designed to help both the skilled and recreational writer.

What? Recreational writers can't be skilled?

Sign up today for a FREE 15-day Trial Membership. If you decide to upgrade to a Paid Membership, you will have the opportunity to win the prizes that are given away every month, including the special prize packages being awarded for National Poetry Month.

Jack, take a few minutes and check out Poets.com. I am sure you will find it a valuable tool and resource, and the Trial Membership is FREE. Try out the premiere writers' network today!

Jeffrey Harper
Poets.com

P.S. Share your enjoyment of poetry and continue to celebrate National Poetry Month!

Jack decided to pass on Poets.com. Meanwhile, Noble House didn’t give up when Jack didn’t respond. Here’s their latest try (notice that the opening is different from their first try, but much of the rest is merely copy-and-paste):

Office of the Publisher
Poetry Division
London, U.K.
25 April, 2007

Dear Jack,

This memo comes to you with a high degree of urgency. As of today, I have not received your Noble House submission. I recently informed you that Noble House, one of the foremost publishers of fiction and nonfiction works, was interested in your poetry. I had the pleasure of reading the poetry you have submitted in the United States, and I want to congratulate you on this grand endeavour. I also wanted to inform you that your talent and vision deserve appropriate international recognition as well.

High degree of urgency! Grand endeavor? This is too much! The irony is that my old dog is getting more “appropriate international recognition” from this blog than he could ever get from Noble House.

For this reason, I have posted this letter to respectfully request that you send me your submission as soon as possible since I have reserved extensive space to prominently honour your poetic work in this publication. Centres of Expression is a new poetry edition that is being distributed worldwide by Noble House . . . a collection of poetry that is perhaps unlike any you have ever seen . . . one where each poem is featured on its own page, and one whose quality is reminiscent of the finest 19th century antique poetry books.

Hearken back, if you will, to the days of Emily Dickinson, Alfred Lord Tennyson, Elizabeth Barrett Browning, and William Wordsworth . . . the age of grand bookmaking. Poetry editions were some of the most highly prized volumes because of their intimate attention to detail – quality typography, fine ivory laid paper, and colourful ornate covers. Jack, for this edition, we've returned to the traditional size, style, and quality of these classic 19th century antique poetry books.

Scheduled for release in Winter 2008, Centres of Expression will surely become one of your most treasured keepsakes. Your publication in this edition will establish you as an international author and afford you the respect and admiration attendant to such an honour. International Copyright notice for your poetic artistry will, of course, be in your name, assuring that you will retain worldwide rights to your work of art.

Yeah, looks like a real keepsake, all right. . . .

Best of all, should you decide to obtain a copy of the edition for your personal library, or as a wonderful personalised gift (you are, naturally, under no obligation to purchase a copy - notwithstanding the publication of your work in this edition), as you proudly turn its pages you’ll find it one of the best values on the book market today. At only £23.14 (U.S. $45.55) for a hardbound, 225-page edition printed in two colours on ivory laid vellum, with a finely crafted and highly detailed laminate cover and a single poem to a page, this edition promises to exceed your expectations, and it will enjoy pride of place in your home. In fact, its quality is guaranteed. If for any reason you are dissatisfied, your money will be completely refunded in U.S. dollars with proper dispatch.

Jack, you may also wish to consider giving the public some insight about you and your artistry for this poetic showcase . . . perhaps the meaning behind your poem, or your own philosophical perspective. Because an entire page in the book is devoted to honouring your poetry, we can feature this additional material about you and your poetry (up to 100 words) on the verso leaf opposite your poem . . . you will thus have two full pages devoted to you and your artistry.

Jack, may we have permission to publish your work? Regardless of whether you purchase a copy or not, the international public deserves to see more of your artistic talent. In order to make our publication date, you must submit your new poem as soon as possible! I would hate to see you miss out on this opportunity. To make things easy, you may Submit Your Poem and biographical information, and give us permission, all within the confines of the next page. And if you are inclined to order a copy of Centres of Expression, you may also do so at the same time.

Sincerely,

Nigel Hillary
Publisher, Poetry Division - Noble House U.K.

P.S. For poets who may wish to obtain supplementary copies for gift-giving, to display, or for merchandising, special case pack discounts are available. Please consult the submission and order form for further details.

A case pack discount? Yikes! A full case of 12 copies is $204.40. I suppose that's a bargain compared to the single copy price of $45.55. Oh, but there's shipping: $8 per book for single copies; $32 for the case.

Y'all want a poem? Gnaw on this:

There once was an old dawg named Jack.
Of poetry skills, he did lack.
He uttered some howls
And some igNOBLE growls,
And that’s the best poem which old Jack could hack.

Jack may be a humble old dawg, but he’s too smart to fall for a scheme like the Noble House book or Poets.com.