Peevish Pen

Ruminations on reading, writing, rural living, retirement, aging—and sometimes cats. And maybe a border collie or other critters.

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Location: Rural Virginia, United States

I'm an elderly retired teacher who writes. Among my books are Ferradiddledumday (Appalachian version of the Rumpelstiltskin story), Stuck (middle grade paranormal novel), Patches on the Same Quilt (novel set in Franklin County, VA), Them That Go (an Appalachian novel), Miracle of the Concrete Jesus & Other Stories, and several Kindle ebooks.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Incredible Amazing E-mail Offer

I got this email yesterday from somebody I must have met at a writers conference. Or maybe we haven't met. I somehow get the feeling that she hasn’t been reading my blog—she's just trying to sell me something.

Her words are in italics; my responses are in plain text.


Ever struggle with what to write on your blog?
No, I have plenty of ideas. (I wonder why there was no comma after the salutation. I wonder why there wasn't more of a greeting from someone who apparently knows me on a first name basis.)

How do you to find the time?
I make time. Plus I’m retired. I don't have to contend with going to a job everyday. Just feeding critters and other farm stuff.

My friends, The Blog Squad (names redacted), say writing consistently good blog posts is the #1 challenge of most business people.
Well, I’m not a business person. I’m retired. My blog posts don’t have to be “consistently good,” though I’d like them to be pretty good.

It's also the #1 way to use a blog to successfully grow your business, build your online reputation and brand, get new leads, new clients and make money: you must write consistently good blog posts.
I’m not "growing a business" (although I'm growing some flowerbeds) and I’m not looking for clients. I’m retired, although I do serve on a bunch of committees.

They've been studying what works for business blogging since 2004. Now, The Blog Squad is offering a comprehensive teleseminar, Better Business Blog Writing next week on May 19 and 21.
Can you say “Better Business Blog Writing” ten times really fast? Go ahead, try it!

On the 19th, I’m taking three dogs—a border collie, a beagle, and a catahoula—to the vet for routine maintenance. That’s about all the excitement I can stand in one day. Since my blog isn’t a business blog, I’m not interested in a teleseminar, comprehensive or otherwise.

Without being Hemingway or Huffington, you can vastly improve the quality of your blog writing for better business results.
Durn! Wouldn’t a blog from Ernest Hemingway be cool? Well, it might be a problem since he’s been dead for decades. Who is Huffington? Is that the teddy bear in the coat. (No, that’s Paddington.) Maybe this?

In this class, you will learn:
=> How to find time for writing, and how to get faster at blog posting so it doesn?t eat up all your time
Why is there a question mark instead of an apostrophe in the word doesn’t? And what's with the equals sign and arrow? Wouldn't a bullet point be, I dunno, more professional? I "find time" just fine, thank you. Blogging doesn?t, er, doesn't "eat up" my time. I think of blogging as writing a letter to my friends. It's a pleasure, not an obligation.

=> How to come up with blog posts that "wow" your readers
I don’t want readers who are easily wowed. I prefer that my readers be critical thinkers. I don't even like to hang around people who are easily wowed.

=> How blog writing differs from other forms of writing, and how to leverage this skill into other products and services
I hate when people use “leverage” as a verb. What "products and services" are we talking about? Will someone come clean my house and the kennel? help get up hay next week? re-roof my house?

=> How to improve the quality of your blog posts so that they have a profound effect on readers
What kind of “profound effect” are we talking about? Will I be able to heal the sick? raise the dead?

=> How your blog content works to actually make money for your business
I don’t have a business. I’m retired. I've said that before.

Better Business Blog Writing is presented in two 70-minute teleclasses by The Blog Squad to help professionals get more bang out of business blogging.
I don’t have a business blog. As for getting a bang, I do have a concealed weapon permit.

Won?t you join them?
There's that question mark again. And the answer is no. Among other things, I have to take the dogs to the vet.

What: Better Business Blog Writing

When: Monday, May 19 and Wednesday, May 21, 2008 at 5 p.m. ET
5 p.m. is suppertime. That's when I feed assorted critters. If we make it back from the vet.

Where: In your office
My “office” (i.e., study) has been taken over by cats. It's not a real office, anyhow.

How: On your phone! (it doesn?t get more convenient than this)
There’s that question mark again. What’s with that? Plus, if I’m on the phone, I can’t use my computer to access the Internet. I’m on dial-up. (Is there a computer-equivalent for Luddite? If so, that’s me.)

Handouts including a blog writing checklist, class notes, lists of resources and blog writing articles that include the psychology of learning styles and influence.
Hmmm. Handing out handouts over the phone is going to be a real trick. I had plenty of workshops on learning styles when I was a teacher. Have they discovered any new learning styles that those interminable workshops didn't cover? (Just thinking about those workshops makes me glad I'm retired.)

Network with other members in a private group on Facebook where you can get feedback on your blog posts, find your next joint venture and share resources.
Facebook might be fine for kids, but I’m a sexagenerian. I don’t do Facebook or MySpace. I just blog. I don't want to "network" with anonymous strangers. Especially those who are trying to sell me something.

Plus to augment your learning, we're including four FREE audio programs with expert bloggers ($40 value):
Couldn’t you just send me the URLs of the expert bloggers’ blogs? I’ll bet I can figure out from their blogs why they’re experts.

To my friends I'm also offering a FREE mp3 recording on "How To Strategically Use Facebook" Are you on Facebook? Social Networking and blogging are necessary, powerful tools for businesses today. After these incredible classes you will see why!
Uh, I didn’t know we were friends. We’re maybe distant acquaintances. We’ve never done lunch, have we? Served on the same committees? Done farmwork together? Walked our dogs together? Critiqued each other’s manuscripts? Gone walking together? Shared a ride somewhere? Lent each other books and then discussed the books? Those are things I do with my friends.

By the way, your last sentence needs a comma after the introductory adverb phrase. And I’m suspicious of the word “incredible.” Most things described as “incredible” turn out to be less than incredible.

The link for the Facebook mp3 will be emailed out next week to all who participate in this amazing class!
I don’t have an mp3 player. (Yes, I’m iPodless!) I'm as suspicious of the word "amazing" as I am of "incredible."

Click here for complete details: [URL redacted]
I didn’t click.

Don't miss this opportunity to improve your business blogging efforts and start getting even more spectacular results from your blog.

Wishing you success!
J******* D*****
shutterqueenink@wherever. . . .

P.S. The program starts on Monday, May 19 so grab your spot now!
You should have put a comma after May 19. Will leaving out commas improve my blogging success?

I think I need to offer a class in punctuation for spammers. Wouldn#t you like to improve your email^s punctuation% If so! send me money and I?ll sell you the secrets of successful spammers* successfully punctuated spams!

It/s incredible, amazing, and spectacular!!!!!!!!!!!

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Blogger Amy Hanek said...

See, you don't need inspiration for your blog when you have emails like this one to draw from. Problem solved!

1:06 PM  
Blogger Debi Kelly Van Cleave said...

You always wow me, Becky.

That's a great idea--a class in punctuation for email spammers!

8:34 PM  
Blogger Ibby Greer said...

Very fun way of handling this kind of thing. Hope I don't get one from them. Your responses are delightful. Have fun at the vet's!

9:46 PM  
Blogger Susan Helene Gottfried said...

I'm impressed you read that far. Most of the time, I don't even open the shady-looking ones!

5:08 PM  

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