Peevish Pen

Ruminations on reading, writing, rural living, retirement, aging—and sometimes cats. And maybe a border collie or other critters.

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Location: Rural Virginia, United States

I'm an elderly retired teacher who writes. Among my books are Ferradiddledumday (Appalachian version of the Rumpelstiltskin story), Stuck (middle grade paranormal novel), Patches on the Same Quilt (novel set in Franklin County, VA), Them That Go (an Appalachian novel), Miracle of the Concrete Jesus & Other Stories, and several Kindle ebooks.

Saturday, November 07, 2015

November 2015 Spam

Note: Because this is basically a boring post about spam I received in my inbox the other day, I will add some random pictures of my kitties to spruce it up a bit. (The spam is in blue.)

Oops! I used this pic of George in a previous posting. Sorry!

Apparently someone thinks my website (which is indeed in need of updating) is a piece of crap.

Hi Team,

There is no "team." Just moi.

Hope you are doing well.

I doubt you hope that. My blood sugar is too high, and I'm not walking very well—so, I'm not doing "well" at all.

Olivia and Tanner don't usually cuddle.

A quick analysis reveals your website having different technical glitches, where organic/natural traffic is very low.

Organic? Natural? What the heck kind of "traffic" is that? And what "technical glitches"?

This might seem irrelevant, but we think you are losing a major portion of traffic and revenue that your business deserves.

Business? What business? I'm retired! Granted, my website does provide info about my books, but I haven't written anything new for years.

There are many companies who work only with standard SEO strategies; however we stand out by making directed efforts on research based competitor analysis.

Companies? I'm not a company! I don't need CEO strategies, whatever they are. My website is a personal website. NOT A BUSINESS SITE!

Let's have a look at the issues related to your website

  1. Low online presence for competitive keywords or, phrases.
  2. Don't forget to make sure that, your website is compatible with different types of mobile devices.
  3. Technical errors that restrict your website from being indexed by search engines.
  4. Lack of theme based quality back links.
  5. A meager social presence is a reason to ponder too.
 Where do I begin to correct your errors? How about if I point out just three?

1. "Competitive keywords or, phrases"? Whom, pray tell, do you think I'm competing with? It's a personal website!
4. "Theme based" should be "theme-based." Please learn to use hyphens correctly.
5. How many folks, I wonder, are actually pondering my "meager social presence"?

Your website is the face of your business. If you are not aware about Digital Marketing prospects, you will lose your hard-won supremacy.

It's NOT a business site.

So, it's high time to think about your online presence. Our technical experts are here to help you without any CONTRACT or SET UP FEE.

I don't care if it's high time or low time. I don't want help from your technical experts.

Interested? Revert back now. We will send you a clear analysis report (FREE) using our corporate e-mail ID.

No, I'm NOT interested. What the heck did you mean by "revert back"? Did you mean "reply"? If so, that's the word you should have used. And you can take your "corporate e-mail ID" and—well, use your imagination. 

 Best Regards,
robert horn |DM Consultant

Oh dear, Robert (or robert), you must have severe self-esteem issues if you don't capitalize your name. Or perhaps you graduated from a substandard school. What must your potential clients think when they see your uncapitalized name? Do they see you as uneducated? Ignorant? Uncaring of what others think? 

At any rate, I—a retired English teacher— can help you. For only a moderate fee, I can proofread your work for capitalization errors. Punctuation errors cost more, though.  

Jim-Bob cuddles his mama Olivia.

P.S. Robert (or robert), your website really does need some kitties.



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