More Poetry Crap

Well, if Jack (an elderly mixed retriever) isn’t going to order the poetry books or submit a picture to an over-priced anthology (see yesterday's blog entry), let’s see if he will bite when offered a bigger prize:

Dear Jack,

Go here to take advantage of this offer.

The Editors of The International Library of Poetry recently informed you that your poem was bestowed the prestigious Editor's Choice Award because of your artistic accomplishments and unique perspective. As of today, we have not heard from you. So we wanted to contact you another time before we pass you on this select offer.

The stunning 2006 Editor's Choice Published Poet Ribbon Award Pin proudly displays your elevated status in our poetic community. Since only an elite group of published poets were selected to receive this special honor, imagine the sense of pride you will feel when others see you wearing the 2006 Editor's Choice Published Poet Ribbon Award Pin. What an impressive way to show off your status as an honored poet for the year 2006!



The elegant detail and the meticulous craftsmanship that went into the design and production of this exclusive pin are unprecedented. This striking jewelry piece has the International Library of Poetry name prominently displayed across the top, the Editor's Choice commendation appears on the ribbon, and the entire pin is set in bronze. It is truly a masterpiece that honors your outstanding and well-deserved accomplishments, and it is a must-have for all esteemed poets.

To take advantage of this special offer to commemorate your exceptional poetic talents, simply go here. This exclusive pin is only $19.95, plus shipping and handling. If you wish to send us your order by mail, please include a copy of this email and your completed order form to receive this special offer.

We have commissioned artisans to create a Commemorative Bronze Medallion to celebrate the accomplishments of the Editor's Choice winners. This beautiful two-sided medallion displays the words "Poet Scholar" and "Editor's Choice" deeply etched into the medal. The medallion is packaged in a custom gift box with a certificate of authenticity to further enhance it's prestige. You can receive this amazing keepsake for only $49.95, plus shipping and handling. For a limited time, when you take advantage of this unique offer of the bronze medallion, you will also receive the 2006 Editor's Choice Published Poet Ribbon Award Pin at no additional charge. That's right, the Editor's Choice Published Poet Ribbon Award Pin will be yours FREE when you request the Commemorative Bronze Medallion.

As you are bestowing gifts to your friends and family during this holiday season, why not give yourself the gift of recognition for a job well done with your poetic achievements?

Jack, we were delighted to award you the high honors of a published poet, and we hope that you will choose to receive the 2006 Editor's Choice Commemorative Medallion and Editor's Choice Published Poet Ribbon Award Pin. We truly believe these masterpieces honor the artistic accomplishments you have displayed in your poetry.

Sincerely,

Howard Ely
Managing Editor
The International Library of Poetry

P.S. We are confident that you will enjoy the classic design of the 2006 Editor's Choice Commemorative Medallion and Editor's choice Published Poet Ribbon Award Pin . The highest manufacturing standards have gone into the production of these items. And, best of all, they come with a 100% money-back offer. If you are not delighted with your items, simply return them to us within 90 days and your money will be promptly refunded.

To take advantage of this special offer, go here.

Thank goodness Jack is too smart a dog to get sucked in by all that. But— there’s more. The next email:

Dear Jack,

It's something we don't often do, but after reading and discussing your poetry, the Editorial Advisory Board of the International Library of Poetry has nominated you for membership in the most exciting poetry organization in the world--the International Society of Poets!

The Editorial Advisory Board wholeheartedly agrees that your poetic writings warrant nomination into the International Society of Poets--a poetry organization that is world-renowned and dedicated to recognizing poetic talent such as yours. As Chairman, I want to personally inform you about all the new benefits of Membership, and I did not want you to miss out on this opportunity. Jack , I know that after hearing what we are about, you will join us as a member of our society--the International Society of Poets!

You'll receive many tangible benefits when you become a member

There are two levels of membership, and I am positive one of them will fit your poetic needs. Whatever membership category you choose, we look forward to your participation in our organization for many years to come. Go here to see the full list of these very important membership items . But perhaps more importantly, you'll be joining fellow poets from more than 60 different nations in the largest poetry organization in the world--an organization dedicated to recognizing, awarding, and promoting the poetic talent of our members and . . .

Renew now and receive a free NATIONAL ENTERTAINMENT® BOOK!

If you renew your membership now, we will send you a free Entertainment® 2007 National Edition Discount Book. Entertainment® is the book we all love for savings on shopping, dining, travel, and more. This addition includes hundreds of exclusive offers that will save you thousands of dollars on many of the things you love to do and buy.

An organization you can be proud of!

Noted for our charitable contributions and our accomplishments in furthering poetic endeavors, the International Society of Poets maintains a reputation for bringing poetry to more people and to more nations than any other organization in the world.

Whether you write poetry for the satisfaction it gives you, or as a personal way to record your innermost feelings, or as a hobby, through your membership you and your poetry will be recognized by thousands of people from all over the world. And Jack, it's a great feeling to know they're interested in you, and that your poetry is being read and enjoyed by others. In fact, by enrolling in the International Society of Poets membership program , you and your artistry will receive international recognition.

You'll even have the opportunity to meet and share your poetry with other members. As a member, I will extend a personal invitation to our yearly convention, which is world-renowned for bringing together poets of all ages and nationalities who share a common love of poetry. These motivating educational events are full of camaraderie and mutual admiration for our poetic endeavors.

The poetic event of the year!

This past year, our conference in Las Vegas, Nevada, drew nearly 3,000 poets from 64 nations around the world! We believe this was one of the largest single gatherings of poets in history . At our conventions, our members have had the opportunity to meet and discuss poetry with former Chancellor of Academy of American Poets, David Wagoner; Poet Laureate, Fleda Brown; Mellon Poetry Prize Winner, Herbert Woodward Martin; and Pulitzer Prize Winner, W.D. Snodgrass. We've been entertained by such acts as Johnny Cash, John Denver, the Smothers Brothers, and Tony Orlando just to name a few . . . not to mention cash and gift prizes totaling over $100,000 awarded to amateur poets.

Over the last ten years, our organization has awarded over $1 million dollars to poets just like you. As a member , you will have a chance to win your share of these prizes. Whether you write structured poetry or free verse, you'll find these contests to be exciting and rewarding events. You'll be invited to participate in exclusive contests for members only and winners are published in the internationally distributed magazine, Poetry Today.

Poetry Today . . .

A new award-winning magazine!

And what a magazine it is! Our award-winning magazine, with its new design and format, is included with each membership . Our magazine covers a lot of what's going on in poetry in the United States and around the world. In each magazine, there is a special emphasis on you and other members. There are contest announcements and results, members' poetry prominently displayed in our publication, coverage of what's happening in the lives of our members, the craft of writing poetry, and many other special features. Poetry Today is also your key to finding out about our members-only contests, what types of poems judges look for, and how to improve your craft of writing and chances of winning.

Join the International Society of Poets now,Jack, and you'll become one of the recognized leaders of your craft. Your friends, family, and colleagues will look to you as an example of experience, vision, and accomplishment in the poetic world. Your society will look to you for your unique perspective as expressed through your poetry. I'm sure we'll soon be seeing you and your poetry featured in Poetry Today.

Sincerely,

Steven J. Michaels
Chairman, Board of Trustees
International Society of Poets

P.S. Jack, we accept only a limited number of members each year and by accepting your invitation now, your benefits will begin immediately and you will promptly receive your membership items through the mail along with your Free Entertainment® 2007 National Edition Discount Book. Most importantly, we will welcome you as a member of the largest poetry organization in the world--the International Society of Poets.

A limited number of members? Yeah, right—limited to anyone whose name they can find.

OK, esteemed blog-reader, here's a special offer just for you: Just send Jack and me a large wad of cash and we'll declare you a Patron of Outstanding Poetry (POOP), and we'll send you a unique special one-of-a-kind certificate as soon as I replace the ink cartridge (unless you're in a hurry and don't mind your certificate being printed in red ink). Also—just to show you how really special and unique you are—Jack will select a special and unique commemorative, uh, item from his kennel (produced by him or one of the other dogs) that will express your POOP status.

Can you guess what it is?