Peevish Pen

Ruminations on reading, writing, rural living, retirement, aging—and sometimes cats. And maybe a border collie or other critters.

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Location: Rural Virginia, United States

I'm an elderly retired teacher who writes. Among my books are Ferradiddledumday (Appalachian version of the Rumpelstiltskin story), Stuck (middle grade paranormal novel), Patches on the Same Quilt (novel set in Franklin County, VA), Them That Go (an Appalachian novel), Miracle of the Concrete Jesus & Other Stories, and several Kindle ebooks.

Monday, July 07, 2008


Last week's scam phone call started me thinking about some scams I recently received via e-mail. I now present the best (worst?) of them with my annotations:

I received this obviously scammy e-mail in mid-May and again a week ago. It raises some questions: Why can’t scammers punctuate properly? Or spell correctly?

Subject: Contact Fedex Express Courier Company Immediately
Date: May 14, 2008 6:53:01 AM EDT

Dear friend,

We’re not friends. I don’t know you.

How are you today ?.

You don’t really care how I am, do you? You only care if I’m stupid and/or gullible enough to fall for this obvious scam.

I'm writing to inform you that I have Paid the fee for your Draft Cheque.

What “Draft Cheque”?

Yesterday, I went to the bank to confirm if the Cheque has expired or getting near to expire and Mr.Anthony zuma the Director of B.O.A Bank Of Africa told me that before the cheque will get to your hand that it will expire.

Wow! They must be clairvoyant or something? But—if they know it’s going to expire, why send it to me? That’s a waste of postage.

So I told him to cash the $1.5m, to avoid losing this funds under expiration as I will be out out of the country for a 3 Months Course and I will not come back till end of June 2008.

Hmmm. I wonder what “3 Months Course” could take a person “out out” of the country. It must be an abridged course because it only lasts one month.

What you have to do now is to contact the FEDEX EXPRESS COURIER DELIVERY COMPANY as soon as possible to know when they will deliver your package to you because of the expiring date.

Wouldn’t they start delivery as soon as the get it? It’s a check, er, cheque. It’s not like it’s a stuffed elephant or something equally heavy and bulky. Uh, oh! I see a problem. Your Fed-Ex uses a Yahoo e-mail address? And you didn’t give me the tracking number for my Fed-Ex delivery so I can tell where it is?

For your information, I have paid for the delivering Charge.

Well, of course. I never accept COD packages.

The only money you will send to the FEDEX EXPRESS to deliver your Consignment direct to your postal Address in your country is US$106 One Hundred & Six United States Dollars only being Security Keeping Fee for the Fede x Service so far.

Somehow, I knew I’d be expected to cough up some money.

Again, don't be deceived by anybody to pay any other money except US$106.00.

Hey, I’m not even being deceived by you!

I would have paid that but they said no because they don't know when you will contact them and in case of dumourrage on your Package with them.

Yeah, sure, you would have paid that. “Dumourrage”!? ROTFL!

Please write a letter of application to the given address below:
Company Name : FedEx Express
Director : Dr.Obi Morgan
Contact Email:fedexexpresscompany94@SOMEFAKEYAHOOEMAILADDY
Contact Tel : 229-xxxx-xxx

Finally, make sure that you reconfirm your Postal address, nearest local and international airport, Direct telephone number to them again to avoid any mistake on the Delivery.

Like there’s really going to be any delivery.

Let me repeat again, try to contact them as soon as you receive this mail to avoid any further delay and remember to pay them their Secur ity Keeping fee of $106.00 for their immediate action to deliver urgently.

You don’t have to “repeat again.” You don’t even have to repeat the first time.

Note that: The FEDEX EXPRESS don't know the contents of the Box. I registered it as a BOX of African cloths. They did not know that the contents was money, this is to avoid them delaying or termpering with the BOX.

Well, you certainly wouldn’t want anyone to termper with a box of money. I wonder why they wouldn’t termper with a BOX of African cloths?

Don't let them know that the box contains money ok. Thanks and More Blesssing.

Pastor Mike johnson

And then there’s this job offer that I couldn’t refuse—NOT!

Date: May 15, 2008 7:51:01 PM EDT

Cheapfabrics of Windsor UK
Thames Court,1 Victoria Street
Windsor,Berkshire SL4 1Yb London U.K

Tel:+44 (0) xxxxxxxxx

Good Day Sir/Ma,

I’m neither a sir or a ma.

Would you like to work from home and get paid weekly ,without affecting your present job?

What present job? I’m retired, though I do some freelance writing—and I write a humor column. needs a book-keeper in the States to be part of its financial team.

Bwahahahahahahahaha! My math skills are laughable! And I’m not a team player.

For more Enquiries Call or E-mail Me on the above Email address and phone number.
Thank you in anticipation.

Best Regards,
Mr Brown Chi

I followed the URL to a classy website, but none of the links work. Could this be a scam, ya think? And then there’s this one:

Date: May 19, 2008 8:05:32 AM EDT


Not again! And with lousy punctuation yet!

I Am MRS. Linda ,a personal assistant to the president British Support High Commission for foreign affairs.

A personal assistant should know how to capitalize and punctuate properly. Also, does the BSHC prez have a name? And here's the best (worst?) part:

A top Government official in your country has recommend you to us as a Good and nice person whom we can in trust the sum of (sixty five million pounds) for our support to your country to reduce the numbers of unemployment and to support the motherless this year.

What "top Government official" has recommend me as a “Good and nice person”? Do they ever recommend Bad and mean persons? If so, to whom?

As you are to put up an industry with this Little funds that my Government can afford.we are here by request for all your in formations and your position in your country as at now.
pls reply this message as soon as possible.

My current position is slouched at my desk, trying to keep the desktop cat off the keyboard. I am not, nor do I intend to be “in formations.” What kind of an industry am I going to “put up”? Could I put it down?

yours faithfully
Mr, Henry J.Katalnga

How did MRS. Linda become Mr. Henry. Do those overseas Yahoo adddresses change gender when they cross the pond? Sheesh! If you're gonna scam somebody, at least keep your name consistent. Is there no honor among scammers? And then, there’s this one:

Dear Sir,

Here we go again.

I got your contact through the internet search.

OK, at least this one is more honest than the others. . . .

Sir, I am Lt.Col. David Hook of Second Infantry Div. Unit (S.I.D.U.) Abul Uruj Baghdad, Iraq.

Uh, aren’t you busy fighting a war? How do you have time to email strangers?

This mail will definitely come to you as a surprise,

Not so much. I expect a scam email or two a day. But you’re my first from Iraq. If that is indeed where you are.

I have in my position a huge amount of US dollars in cash which was Recovered in one of our operations we did here in Iraq, As I am the officer in charge, I wish to solicit your assistance and confidential..

You command soldiers, yet you have such a limited command of the English language? And you’re confessing that Americans are stealing from Iraq? Hmmm.

This fund has just Been lodged in a security vault in England were I am now, Which will be disclose to you letter, if you accepted or have interest, With my position I assure you free and fare transaction with good arrangement between I and you, we can do it..

Arrrggghh! You’re plucking every grammar and punctuation and capitalization nerve I have! (As well as forcing me to use exclamation points!) And you admit you’re not in Iraq after all!

I can't make mention of the amount involved now and were this fund is been kept until I receive your reply then arrangement will take off.

Well, I don't deal with scammers who offer me less than ten gazillion dollars. I have standards! (Does the US government know you’re doing this? Did George Bush tell you to do this?) I'll bet the arrangement won't be the only thing taking off.

Thanks and Regards
Lt.Col. David Hook
My mobile number here is xxxx

So I can call a soldier on his mobile phone. Doesn’t this sort of interfere with the war effort. Oh, wait! He’s not actually in Iraq. I’m also guessing that a real Lt. Col. would be a bit more literate. At least, I hope so.

Some of us make fun of scammers; others enjoy scamming scammers. These three sites (featuring scammers that are scammed) are worth a look:

OK, so much for my time-wasting when I really should be working on my novel. But y'all click on those above links. They're a hoot!

(Note to my crit group and other interested readers: My work-in-progress is now 25,410 words.)



Blogger CountryDew said...

This made me smile.

3:28 PM  

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